Yep.
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The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.