Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Meanwhile in Portland…
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs