I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
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Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
U talkin 2 me?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
@funTweeters
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.