The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”