I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”