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When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
The old gods are rising again.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?