My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.