Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
But is it really??
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.