Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.