me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Ugh but profoundly
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
True statement👍😏😁
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.