Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Bed should get ready for ME
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.