@markedly

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

@markedly

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

@markedly

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

@markedly

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

@markedly

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

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Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

@markedly

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

@markedly

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

@markedly

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?