I put an ice cream sandwich on my pillow a few hours ago so I would have a bedtime treat. Now it’s finally time to cash in!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.