Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of markedly's best tweets

@markedly : Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

@markedly: Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

@markedly: if you were really my friend, you'd know my favorite kitchen utensil. it's the ladle. ok we're friends now.

@markedly: Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

@markedly: Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

@markedly: my body's saying "let's go," but my heart is saying "a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark."

@markedly: Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

@markedly: [having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying "sex sounds"

@markedly: Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

@markedly: Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*