@markedly

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

@markedly

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

@markedly

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

@markedly

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

@markedly

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

@markedly

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

@markedly

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.