@markedly

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

@markedly

Finally thought of a retort to my bro’s friend who kicked me from his car in 1998
I don’t need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride

@markedly

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

@markedly

ME: This man’s robbing me
COP: No he’s not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber’s hand on wallet* come on why aren’t you robbing now

@markedly

GOD: Mark, I have chosen you. You will know answers to all of life’s mysteries, just listen to the voicemail I left you.

ME: voicemail? ugh