This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
We like the way Dwight thinks