I have written yet another poem about laundry
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
All generalizations are stupid.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does