@markleggett

My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.

@markleggett

I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”

@markleggett

Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.

@markleggett

Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.

@markleggett

Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.

@markleggett

I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.

@markleggett

What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That’s certainly something to think about, but not during sex.

@markleggett

“When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you’re dead.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson.

@markleggett

If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.

@markleggett

The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.