I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.