Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.
Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
– Whispering dark secrets to animals
– Trying to get a strawberry seed out of my teeth
– Being vegan, but also eating steak
I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.
We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.
MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much…
GROUND CONTROL: She knows.
MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now?
GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.
I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America’s shield. That’s probably his weak point.
1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
ACTORS: It’s easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says “Did you see that?” say “Nope”.
Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he’s having computer problems?