@markleggett: When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you'd end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity's Instagram.
@markleggett: I'm disappointed to see that a lot of women are using "period tracker apps" now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.
@markleggett: My neighbour has been playing the bongos for over an hour, and I thought he was meditating until I heard him sing "Yeah, shake that shit…"
@markleggett: Fired from my court room sketch artist job, for putting thought bubbles on people's heads saying "The court room sketch artist is so hunky."
@markleggett: 1am: Huh, I'm not tired...
2am: I feel great! Maybe I don't need sleep?
3am: LET'S EXECUTE EVERY IDEA I'VE EVER HAD.
3:04am: Euthanise me.
@markleggett: At some point, male "pick-up artists" are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.
@markleggett: AROMATHERAPY CONNUDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing?
@markleggett: My cat's staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she's mulling over past social situations she wishes she'd handled better.
@markleggett: A celebrity died? Better take this opportunity to tell everyone a very personal story about that one time you saw them eating falafel.