as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
You Might Also Like
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The French word for sex is croissant.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.