@markleggett

Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

@markleggett

Bing is a fast search engine because you’re the only person using it.

@markleggett

If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.

@markleggett

Reports are now emerging from Russia that Putin rode the meteorite while shirtless, steering it away from a box of kittens.

@markleggett

I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”

@markleggett

If a soccer player falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it, do they still flail their arms and cry and act like a big dumb baby?

@markleggett

Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He’d be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you’ll have the element of surprise.