@marknorm

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

@marknorm

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

@marknorm

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

@marknorm

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

@marknorm

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

@marknorm

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@marknorm

When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.