God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!