I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.