ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
OMG 🤣🤣
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?