@maryfairybobrry

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

@maryfairybobrry

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

@maryfairybobrry

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

@maryfairybobrry

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

@maryfairybobrry

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

@maryfairybobrry

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

@maryfairybobrry

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

@maryfairybobrry

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No