It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?