*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
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If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.