On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
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My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*