I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
You Might Also Like
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.