Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Fluff me with a fork baby
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Yes
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.