All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
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My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies