Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
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You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
this post was so formative to me
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.