@matt___nelson

BODY: i’m exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c’mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BODY:
BRAIN: can almost say his own name

@matt___nelson

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

@matt___nelson

ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
ME: ugh
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds

@matt___nelson

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

@matt___nelson

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

@matt___nelson

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

@matt___nelson

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

@matt___nelson

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

@matt___nelson

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”