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Page of matt___nelson's best tweets

@matt___nelson : My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

@matt___nelson: BODY: i'm exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let's sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c'mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name

@matt___nelson: DOG 911: what's your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller


@matt___nelson: ME: time for sleep
BRAIN: what if potatoes could talk
ME: ugh
BRAIN: and make friends with one another
ME: please stop
BRAIN: best spuds

@matt___nelson: Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going

@matt___nelson: [PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
"that all for you today?"
Yes. How long does it usually take?
"For what?"
For them to grow

@matt___nelson: JESUS: so I'm u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don't get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

@matt___nelson: JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

@matt___nelson: "Hey can you take our picture?"
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

@matt___nelson: I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012