Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Me My dog
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Ape together strong
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.