I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented