Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
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If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Not all heroes wear capes…
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.