You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
You Might Also Like
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water