Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.