‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.