@mattgallo123

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@mattgallo123

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

@mattgallo123

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

@mattgallo123

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

@mattgallo123

If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.

@mattgallo123

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

@mattgallo123

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”