Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”