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@mattgallo123 : Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
@mattgallo123: <job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?
@mattgallo123: I hate when I'm drunk and someone says "I'll talk to you in the morning" like I'm not gonna be drunk then too.
@mattgallo123: Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I'm not drinking.
@mattgallo123: "I'm disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on."
@mattgallo123: If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.
@mattgallo123: I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
@mattgallo123: Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
@mattgallo123: Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
@mattgallo123: Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says "it still smells like pot in here."