The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Ramen again? This guy’s a mess.
-mice in my kitchen
She said no!
*sobs tears of joy*
-me after proposing
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over