@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@mattgallo123

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

@mattgallo123

The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

@mattgallo123

Everyone’s like “the things I want for Christmas can’t be bought.” And I’m like “Legos. I want legos.”

@mattgallo123

“Don’t be shy!”

-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work

@mattgallo123

Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.

@mattgallo123

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

@mattgallo123

Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.

@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.