This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?
Everyone’s like “the things I want for Christmas can’t be bought.” And I’m like “Legos. I want legos.”
“Don’t be shy!”
-people who don’t understand how genetically determined character traits work
Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.