Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Scream sneezers need love too.