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Not today, today.
Not today.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes