@mattingebretson

My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday

@mattingebretson

I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered “please stop stealing my spotlight”

@mattingebretson

Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I’m talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair

@mattingebretson

I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression

@mattingebretson

I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it

@mattingebretson

Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say “you did that”

@mattingebretson

As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”