My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
im all 3
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
August 8
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)