Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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How do you like your Corgi?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
BaD BoY!!
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.