@mattsurely

*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that?
*gets well soon*

@mattsurely

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

@mattsurely

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

@mattsurely

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

@mattsurely

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

@mattsurely

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

@mattsurely

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

@mattsurely

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

@mattsurely

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

@mattsurely

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*