Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Whoa… oh I see lol
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye