What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
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Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”