[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.